Random rants and ramblings...

Does anyone else look back on the “you” of yesteryear and think “Wow, I feel so much improved since then! What a loser I was!”? I always feel as though I am improving myself as a person and becoming more confident and knowledgeable. I suppose this is partially because I make an effort to learn and grow, and partially just because I am getting more life experience and “growing up” I guess.

Since I just started posting here more frequently, I read some of the older things I wrote. I really did sound like a whiny teenager. Or maybe I just felt the need to pour my emotions out. Which is perfectly fine—this is a blog, after all. I just feel silly that I wrote so much whining about relationships gone wrong and all of my confusion. But that was me then. It’s interesting to know what my mind was thinking at a certain point.

This is me now. Taking life a day at a time, slightly nervous about what the future of student teaching and graduating holds at the same time, in an honest wonderful relationship that puts a smile on my face every day and makes me a better person, finally learning how to make a difference that will help me in my career, still adjusting to the move back home and commuting to Kent, balancing hobbies with school, trying to survive on little money… Oh, life!

Knocked some things off last post’s list this weekend…

I went to Great Lakes with Lauren on Friday for lunch. We were both kind of disappointed that GL itself was out of Oktoberfest! At least I got a mug earlier this fall in Amherst. The waitress said that they ran out pretty quickly and that Christmas Ale will be rolled out on November 1st so we better get it soon! I remember last year I got a 6-pack early then everyone was begging me for one of my precious beers because they couldn’t find any!

Also checked out a couple wineries. Matus Winery was awesome. Kyle and I split a bottle of the special pear wine and sampled a few others. We sat by the fire place with some crackers, cheese and a 2-piece acoustic band playing. It was a good time, and more of what I would define as my weekend “scene” these days. I assume we will be going back there when it’s cold and boring out! We went to another Vermilion place just for a sample, but it wasn’t as “homey” feeling so we left. Samples were also $1 compared to the 50 cents at Matus. The highlight was probably that the guy playing keyboard there had Donald Trump hair!

Bodies museum was fun also. My favorite part was seeing all of the veins and arteries. I was floored when I heard that all of the vessels in the human body can wrap around the world twice. Insane they all fit in there!

Now I’m trying to create a couple wiki’s, for class and personal use. I hopefully will be able to use one to manage everything, from files to personal projects to a list of favorite websites I won’t lose and such.

• Winery
• Great Lakes Brewery
• Brew beer (do we sound like alcoholics yet?)
• Go to the bodies museum
• End Kyle’s snowboarding virginity
• Park our butts in someone else’s hot tub

Those are the things I told my boyfriend we are doing for sure during this cold Ohio fall and winter so far. Any other ideas? Feel free to join… This is so much shorter than the summer list. Boo.

I always disappoint myself when I don’t post anything here. But to be honest, I’ve been so busy and I’ve been focusing on working on my “professional” blog when I do sit down to write something. I made a stupid URL for it, so I don’t think I’ll be showing it to anyone other than my class and professors, but oh well.

Then on the weekends I’m with Kyle. I’ve never had so much fun with anyone. Really, there has never been a dull or bad time with him. I’m sad that summer’s over, but we have a growing list of things to do this fall and winter! 

I have a list I made once of date ideas and just things in general to do when you’re bored. A lot of them are warm-weather outdoors kinds of things, but there are still other things on there too. Nothing worse than sitting in front of a TV going “hmm, uhh, yeah.. I’m boooored.” 

I feel like once in the past I promised to post this list. I made a similar one on Facebook awhile back, just sort of some things I wanted to do that summer.

I like making lists. Unfortunately, I’m not as good at completing the lists of assignments I have in my planner in any timely order…

Another semester begins. I only have 4 classes, but I am already slightly stressed.

I am taking 2 teaching classes. I usually find these fun because you would hope that the teachers teaching you how to teach would be good teachers, right? Usually they are—I’ve found a couple inspiring professors here at Kent. I’m also in a Teaching Journalism class. I love to write, but sometimes I am a little weak on article writing. I mean, I used to write for a newspaper and I got an A in Media Writing, but I still don’t always feel comfortable with the formality of newswriting, plus I am going to have to learn all of the boring rules and court cases for media. And I’ve heard the professors tear your work to shreds. Oh well, I guess it can only allow me to improve.

My other class is an online lit class. For some reason, even though I consider myself technologically savvy, I always have trouble following online courses. I get really confused as to where/when to submit assignments, it’s bothersome having to go through a list to respond to posts and yadda yadda. It was the only available course to fulfill one of my requirements though so I couldn’t take an in-class version.

I have a ton of reading to do for that class plus two more. For some reason I naively thought I wouldn’t have that many tasks by the first or second class session, but I have several hundred pages to read — and write responses to. I still have to buy one of the books. I have to read like 10 chapters, Lord knows how long those will be.

Obviously, I am procrastinating.

About that last post, when I said chaos was good… well maybe sometimes, but after a few arguments with people… I think… I’m sooo over it. Peace is much better on the soul, lol.

I’m a free spirit. The most clear answer I can often give anyone is “definitely, maybe.” Will I be like this forever? Who knows.

I feel like I go in phases, constantly changing. On one hand, I know who I am. I have strong opinions on certain things, know that I want to spend my life helping people, teaching and learning. I know things I enjoy and I know my values. I don’t think any of that will change.

But it’s my inability to commit to a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like it’s as silly as my preferences in fashion or music. Other times I battle over political and humanist issues in my head. One day I think, health care is a right! The next I think, no I prefer a more libertarian approach. When people in my life come to me with a problem, do I continually comfort them or do I give them the tough love answers?

Some people might tell me to let things go, but I’m a part of this earth and I am not going to sit around without giving anything a thought. I feel an obligation to have an opinion on world issues. Hell, I feel an obligation to tell people my favorite music genre without stumbling over myself.

I want to live a small town country life and big city dream at the same time. I want to have nice clothes and a nice car but I despise materialism at the same time. I want to be with the guy I’m with but I want to get to know so many other guys.

Sometimes I’m the sweetheart. Sometimes I get this weird streak in me that wants chaos. I’ve spent so much time working to become this level-headed rational person that never gets angered or emotional. I’m so laid back I don’t even care when people are out of line sometimes.

Then recently my moods have been a little out of whack. I often get like this in winter, among other reasons. But I’ve had this weird craving to lash out emotionally. Not lash out at someone personally in a bad way. But I want to laugh out loud more, I want to cry and enjoy the tears running down my face. I want to scream until my face is blood red and my throat hurts. I want to write better. Do good stories have a ton of perfect rational people in them? Do good love stories have two people that have no problems or fighting? No.

I guess I don’t really want perfection, even though I’ve been such a perfectionist lately. I’m always changing in a way I guess. I’m perpetually confusing myself. Maybe I think and talk about myself too much. I feel guilty using the words “I” and “me” too much. I think about others a ton too. I always try to see others’ perspectives and listen. But I’m still exploring myself. I’m still gliding along the infinite synapses of my mind and loving it.

It’s been said that “only the shallow know themselves.” I must be as deep as the ocean. I think everyone is. They just have to put on the scuba gear and explore. It opens up so many doors.. maybe some you wished you hadn’t opened, but it’s worth it.

I feel obligated to create a Christmas blog. Christmas was good. Family time was fun. I got an iPod touch, Burton snowboarding jacket, cool necklaces and a boyfriend! New Years Eve was fun too! Ok this post is going to be way too brief. Updating occurrences without taking the time to analyze and be my typical long-winded self is boring. But I already wrote something else and don’t feel like writing a huge entry here because I’m about to go watch a movie.