I was looking back through some old blogs and poems of mine not long ago. Most of them were from the end of high school and beginning of college. Dang, I was pretty “emo.” I do think I did some good writing. Much of my poetry was very emotion-filled and detailed, and those kinds of details come out the best when you are fresh from an experience.
I feel that since then, I’ve become relatively emotionless. Maybe that’s a bad word. Maybe I just have become stronger and more mature. I’m not so… tortured. Saying that word makes it sound like I was severely bothered and depressed before, which wasn’t the case.
Over the past couple of years, I’ve really grown into myself, and I keep getting closer to who I want to be. I’ve become stronger and life’s battles don’t affect me as much. I’ve learned to accept things and move on. I’m afraid it can be somewhat easy to get sucked back into lesser ways of thinking. Even reading some of my old thoughts gave me a nostalgic twinge. Thinking about some things that happened to me in late high school and early college just seems so long ago, so foreign.
Then again, I haven’t been in a relationship since those years either. I’ve kept to myself mostly in that aspect. I’ve gone out with people but haven’t gotten too close. I wouldn’t really credit this with the fact of me avoiding “getting hurt”, although I don’t really care to relive any heartbreaking anguish.
What I wonder is this: When I do get into my next relationship, will it be like before? Will I feel the same emotions and will my mind work in the same way? If it fails, will I get the same odd feeling in my stomach that I get when I think of guys in the past, even ones that didn’t hurt so much? Or will I be a different, more mature person this time around?
It’s that teenage vulnerability that allowed me to fall in love before. It was that vibe that made me a sucker for strong emotions. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m now too “strong” for a relationship. I still am a hopeless romantic. But I don’t put so much stock in having a happy relationship. I’m not terribly depressed by myself. Of course there are lonely nights, but the concept of an actual committed relationship is embarrassingly pretty foreign at this point. Once I immerse myself back in the scene of really caring for someone, maybe all those annoying, nagging emotions will come back.
I honestly can’t imagine it though. I seriously can’t imagine having to have one person and getting wildly excited or depressed over them. In one respect, that’s a great feeling to feel that connected with someone. In another respect, it sucks everything out of you.
They say “the first cut is the deepest” and maybe that’s true. I’ve been majorly heartbroken before. If I can be heartbroken from one guy and move on with my life with the understanding of how relationships sometimes work and sometimes don’t, and know in my heart that I will always love him and be completely fine with that, then I can handle anything. I can’t imagine feeling as sad as I once did again. I suppose once you get over the hump of the first heartbreak it’s easier.
I can’t say it’s been easier to fall for someone. That’s the part that makes me question myself. I feel the need to reference the last Bachelorette, Jillian. The men worried that she was too strong to have to “need” someone or depend on them. I feel like I have become that girl. I’m struggling with whether this is a good thing or not.
