Random rants and ramblings...

I’m a free spirit. The most clear answer I can often give anyone is “definitely, maybe.” Will I be like this forever? Who knows.

I feel like I go in phases, constantly changing. On one hand, I know who I am. I have strong opinions on certain things, know that I want to spend my life helping people, teaching and learning. I know things I enjoy and I know my values. I don’t think any of that will change.

But it’s my inability to commit to a lot of things. Sometimes I feel like it’s as silly as my preferences in fashion or music. Other times I battle over political and humanist issues in my head. One day I think, health care is a right! The next I think, no I prefer a more libertarian approach. When people in my life come to me with a problem, do I continually comfort them or do I give them the tough love answers?

Some people might tell me to let things go, but I’m a part of this earth and I am not going to sit around without giving anything a thought. I feel an obligation to have an opinion on world issues. Hell, I feel an obligation to tell people my favorite music genre without stumbling over myself.

I want to live a small town country life and big city dream at the same time. I want to have nice clothes and a nice car but I despise materialism at the same time. I want to be with the guy I’m with but I want to get to know so many other guys.

Sometimes I’m the sweetheart. Sometimes I get this weird streak in me that wants chaos. I’ve spent so much time working to become this level-headed rational person that never gets angered or emotional. I’m so laid back I don’t even care when people are out of line sometimes.

Then recently my moods have been a little out of whack. I often get like this in winter, among other reasons. But I’ve had this weird craving to lash out emotionally. Not lash out at someone personally in a bad way. But I want to laugh out loud more, I want to cry and enjoy the tears running down my face. I want to scream until my face is blood red and my throat hurts. I want to write better. Do good stories have a ton of perfect rational people in them? Do good love stories have two people that have no problems or fighting? No.

I guess I don’t really want perfection, even though I’ve been such a perfectionist lately. I’m always changing in a way I guess. I’m perpetually confusing myself. Maybe I think and talk about myself too much. I feel guilty using the words “I” and “me” too much. I think about others a ton too. I always try to see others’ perspectives and listen. But I’m still exploring myself. I’m still gliding along the infinite synapses of my mind and loving it.

It’s been said that “only the shallow know themselves.” I must be as deep as the ocean. I think everyone is. They just have to put on the scuba gear and explore. It opens up so many doors.. maybe some you wished you hadn’t opened, but it’s worth it.